Shia Labeouf: At World's End (Indiana Jones pt. 2)

Shia Labeouf: At World's End
Adapted from a song by Rob Cantor
Enter Canibal island an island run by their king of the newly taken throne, Mutt Williams. He had taken it from the mysterious former Canibal king who escaped on a raft of tied together sea turtles. Then there was a dumb dog that he took the throne from by eating him. He was one of only few remaining caniball  due to them all eating each other. Hey found a bae on that island though and they sat together entranced by their juicy organs forever until Mutt ate her. Mutt was ready to escape off the island to pursue a social experiment of living in a cabin in Finland. He got two sea turtles tied them together and sail away. What did he use for rope you might ask, he used the entrails of his dead fellow canibals.
   Meanwhile on the ship of Shrek, the black pearl Barbosa was talking the crew out of throwing Indiana out. Short Round was a crewmate that used to be mates with Indiana until Indiana dumped him in favor of Mutt Williams. But as they were all arguing the Flying Dutchman rose from the sea with it's crew chanting, "part of the crew, part of the ship." The dutchman had to have a captain so Indiana walked over they needed another mortal soul so they took Short Round. Indiana demanded they set sail for Finland cuz he stole Jack's magic compass and it told him where to go. They got there and the crew all stayed and Indiana couldn't go on land so he commissioned Short Round to go to find Mutt Williams. He's walking in the woods there's no one around and his phone is dead. Then he spot's him, Shia Labeouf. He's following him about 30 feet back then Shia gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint. Short Round has lost Shia so he gets into a cabin he finds Shia Labeouf. Sneaking up behind him, fighting for his life, wrestling a knife, stab it in his kidney, he's safe at last from Shia Labeouf.

Shia Surprise

He leaves the cabin, safe from the man who stole his mantle as the sidekick of Indiana Jones. Wait he isn't dead Shia surprise gun to his head and memes in shia eyes. Barbosa walks in and saves the day. He has just decapitated Shia Labeouf. Wait he isn't dead again, Shia Surprise he's a part of Barbosa's ghost crew. You didn't think this fanfic would kill Shia did you? The whole worlds bows to Shia Labeouf. Including the Canibal King (portrayed by Johnny Depp.) who is in fact Jack Sparrow in disguise. Enter a empty theater save for Shia Labeouf and joy in the clapping of his handsome hands on his deliciously handsome bod.

Editor's Note: it took me a while to make this two part epic but I will be back with some regular reviews and many other fun blogs to come, so stay tuned. :)

Watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0u4M6vppCI

Indiana Jones 5: The Shia-ing of Shia

Cast

Mutt Williams (Shia Labeouf)

Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford)

Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen)

Lyndon B Johnson (Arnold Schwarzenegger) 

Canibal King (Johnny Depp)

The year is 1966, Lyndon B. Johnson is president, the American Nazi Party is hitting it big, and last but not least, Indiana Jones is dead. Enter his funeral a somber gathering by the ocean. The crowd inncluded his wife, Marion, and their son, Mutt a gangster boy who was wearing his late father's now stolen hat, amongst other friends and relatives. Mutt wasn't at all surprised to  see "the old geezer" die,  he knew it was only a matter of time. Amongst the crowd emerged Lyndon B Johnson, the president! Mutt is surprised by his sudden appearance, and asks him, "wadda you want?" The president answers "I want to help you revive your father with a magical artifact. Come with me if you want him to live."  "I'd rather take my motorcycle." says an indignant Mutt "It's on an island in the Caribbean, you dumb!" says LBJ  "HE WILL NOT DIVIDE US!" Mutt says to his mother. "Stop whining and get to the chopper!" Says LBJ

On the chopper is 2 security guards, the pilot, LBJ, and now Mutt. Mutt says what are we lookin for? You'll see says LBJ. They get to the island and are confronted by a group of canibals. LBJ's security gaurds open fire, but are promptly eaten. Mutt challenges the canibals to a word fight. The dredlocked Canibal King moves forward, sword in hand, their sword fight goes off into the woods as Lyndon escapes kn his helicopter.

He had recovered a jar of dirt (and guess what's inside it.) When he arrived back at the gravesite, he emptied the jar to reveal Davy Jones's heart.  He had discovered that Indiana was a descendent of Davy Jones. As such, he would be able to mantain his heart and be captain of The Flying Dutchman. What LBJ could gain from this, to control Davy Jones was to control the sea, which would give him a strong advantage over Russia. He had his workers dig up the coffin, when the got to the coffin and opened it up, nothing. There was nothing in it, the body was gone! LBJ didn't know what happened, it was just there during the funeral. Then he looked out to the horizon and saw The Black Pearl being sailed away by Captain Hector Barbosa (as played by Geoffry  Rush.) He had a smirk on his face, he had Indiana Jones's body! As LBJ gawked at the scene, Jack the Monkey ran by him and snatched Davy Jones's heart from his hand. The president astounded told his pilot that they needed to go back to The White House and he must be going insane. On The Black Pearl, Barbosa brought Indiana back to life via Davy Jones heart. Then the crew set sail for Canibal Island in search of Jack Sparrow. Meanwhile on the island there was a grand feast of flesh in honor of the tribe's newest arrival, Actual Canibal Shia Labeouf!

Next Time: Shia Labeouf: At World's End

Battlebots GameBoy Advance Review

I'm going to be reviewing Battlebots for the Gameboy advance. The game obviously is based off of the Battlebots TV series in which people create robots and fight them. This game had a bit of controvesry on it's release in 2002, Wikipedia has it all so I'll let it explain it to you. "BattleBots: Design & Destroy was released on December 10, 2002 for the Game Boy Advance. It was stated that the game was the sequel to BattleBots: Beyond the BattleBox; but it actually is the same game released under a different name, albeit with some bugs fixed. It was possible that the game was released to pick up sales from gamers mistaking it for the PC game Robot Arena 2: Design & Destroy."

 So, yeah the game is a total scam, but it still might be fun. There are definitely problems with this game, including the fact that it only has a select number of bots to choose from in brawl mode which is the most fun, but they split them up into classes and you're basically going to lose if you you don't pick the one good one in the class which makes it overpowered. Another problem I came across was it being very hard and dying after one hit, but that was due to my game being in simulation mode instead of arcade. In tournament mod, which is basically the career mode you can make your own bot and fight, that mode is ok. 

The only other mode is wired multiplayer mode, which due to my lack of a GBA connection cord I didn't play. The graphics in this game are a huge problem, they are very blurry and hard to make out what it is you are battling with. The actual controls are a bit hard to figure out and you can't zoom in or out to see the whole arena other than seeing your opponents bot. The AI isn't good and won't even attack you if you are too far away or in a corner or something. I played this game expecting an ok Battlebots experience after watching the new ABC reboot show, with awesome stuff, such as smashing drones with rakes, I was heavily let down by this game. If I ever play this again it would be maybe one quick brawl match if I'm bored. I would rate this game as a whole a 3/10.

 All of this said, Battlebots does have potential in video games as shown by this footage for this canceled PS2 and Gamecube game, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5Hqnuo6u3s
And with the new reboot I would really like to see a great Battlebots game, but this isn't it.

Shrek Fanfic: Hanukkah Adventure

Notice: This is my first short story to be published on the blog, it references jewish culture, people, and holidays. I do not mean it anti-semitcly and do hope no one is offended. :) The typos are deliberate for humor. This doesn't take place in any particular time in the Shrek timeline, other than after this first film.

Shrek: Hanukkah Adventure

            Shrek and Donkey were hitting the street to do a hanukah celebrate with the jews they were friendly with. Shrek found the jew boyz, they were Shrek's boyz, he hung with da jew hood. Steven was a great movie-maker and story-teller. He was tired of making movies for all of his jew boy, he wanted somewone else to tell a story through film. Shrek was a brave men, that wanted to make a film after starring in 4 of his own. Shrek knew just the film to make, he would make a hanukkah themed movie about the best hanukkah he ever had, when he cheated on Fiona. The story went this way, Shrek was going unto town to get his hoes, Shrek always got hoes, but he gave them to Donkey. After Dunky wuz done with hoes, Shrek took them out back and shot em. Shrek saw a good hoe this time tumb it was Ms. Marvel, his muslim boy. Shrek thot Fiona wuz dum so he said to Fiona, "I gotta ho, suck ma!" Fiona didn't like, so Shrek took her out back and shot her. [Exit the film] Steven, Donkey, and all of Shrek's other jew boys burst into applause for the great film. The film went on to win every Oscar that year, yes every Oscar, even categories it didn't fit into technically. But some voted against the might of Shrek's film. Shrek took them out back and shot em. Shrek hadn't got every critic of him though, like his anime counterparts he must cleanse the world, but until then he would relish in the joy of the lead he put in the now rotten corpse once so lively portrayed by Cameron Diaz. 

       "Shrek!" Fiona exclaimed! Shrek was jumping for joy because of a great dream he had. "What was your dream about, Shrek?" Fiona asked. "I don't know." Shrek said as he walked out of his hut with Fiona for some air. But, he did know and he was enjoying the thought as he cocked his semi-automatic pistol and walked outside with his wife. 

The End.

Pirates of The Caribbean Dead Men Tell No Tales Review

Hello, I'm back from the dark realm to take your mortal souls. Sadly, that is not the case, but that is close to the plot of Pirates of the Caribbean 5 aka Dead Men Tell No Tales, which I will be reviewing today. I saw this film yesterday, May 27, 2017 and Very much enjoyed it, while the first half was slow other than the "beginning" action scene which takes roughly 15 minutes to get to and we are introduced to our new characters to replace the new characters from the last film but these new ones have blood connections to our original cast members, who all appear in this film, if it be somewhat briefly. My favorite performance in this film would have to be Geoffrey Rush back at it again as Barbosa and the monkey.

And I can't escape this review with your souls without discussing the villain, Salazar, Davy Jones with an accent all I can say except what he says about a million times, jack sparrow. 

The 2nd half of the film did feel like original Pirates of the Caribbean, which is very good and the film definitely left me on a high note. For future notice if you haven't seen the film it does have an end-credits scene, like it seems all films do, but to be fair all the Pirates movies have had them since before the trend started. I counted and by the time that scene rolled about there where 5 people in the previously packed theater, including me and the man cleaning it up, the other 3 where in a separate group. While second half was much better than the first, which relied on silly humor, boring plot, and character intros, the second half was a welcome change of pace having Barbosa in the picture and do pirate-stuff at sea, which is where most of the second half took place and it highly benefited. It also had some bad parts with confusing segments about red coats following them and recruiting a witch that doesn't show up later and makes no sense, as well as super Michael Bay style explosions that are not realistic for the time. Overall Pirates of The Caribbean 5 is a good film and is the best Pirates film since at least Dead Man's Chest (#2) we might be getting Davy Jones in number 6 if that ends up working out due to hints dropped in this film.

 I have to give this film a 7.5/10 it pains me to give the second half that score, but the first half is also part of the movie and that alone would have received a lower score. So Pirates I would definitely recommend it if you are a fan, or if you even like the other movies, if not don't not watch it but you might not like it as much. 

Club Penguin DS Review and Blog Update

I know i haven't posted in a while, cough cough years (yeah I forgot I ever made this.) But I'm back,  and that is about to change because I'm going to be dedicating this blog to video game reviews and other random stuff, like movies, my experiences and memes. I still will be your king and enslave you all though. But to the review, I recently played the slightly unknown Ds game, Club Penguin: Elite Penguin Force. I surprisingly wasn't the worst game I've ever played though. It had a lot of work put into it and while from a marketing standpoint it might have been a quick cash grab the developers put a lot of work into this.

 The gameplay is strangely a point and click game with complex detective work and puzzles to solve which is where this game gets into a bit of a jam since kids might not have the ability to play it, but there are much better puzzle games that adults and myself could play.

 So while this game in gameplay really has no target audience because these developers where very risky, one thing the game suffers from as I've covered is that there appears to be a misconnect between the developers and the publishers which is a problem for the game and gives it no target audience to play the game. In terms of other features, they are fine, it's really only minigames that are all featured in some point in the story mode and can be played as multiplayer but do get repetitive and annoying. Now to the things I don't like about this game, obviously the disconnect between publisher and developer makes it hard to want to play a mystery game with club penguin skin and more kiddish elements and tones instead of a more mature mystery game. The worst thing about this game would have to be the music, the whole game has a sort of James Bond theme and the music heavily does too and if you are playing through the game the music, which is really just a minute and thirty seconds loop of audio constantly repeated, I played part of this with with headphones and I almost shot myself. I ended up just turn off the sound, because I couldn't bare the music any longer, than the silence of the game started to get to me, so it's just a lose lose. Overall Club Penguin: Elite Penguin Force is just Club Penguin with missions, which regular club penguin has, it's just bigger. Which is pretty of bad for this game at least while Club Penguin wasn't shut down. Overall I would rate Club Penguin: Elite Penguin Force, for the Nintendo DS 5.5/10. It has complex and fun mysteries but not the ideal mystery game, the only reason I would recommend it is if you want a substitute for Club Penguin, but then again there are online private servers, but don't play Club Penguin Island, screw that.

I'll Be Back!

Slaves

You'll be my slaves yeah-yu! I'm so cool i'm gonna be king i'm gonna be ruler.

 AMEN!